Sometimes when I get good news, or even the potential of good news, I am almost afraid to feel happy about it. Like if I feel too excited, and things don’t end up working out, then I am going to be soooooooo disappointed so there is no point in letting myself feel too much joy. Isn’t that kind of insane?? Whether I let myself feel delighted or not wont change the potential suffering if things collapse from underneath me. Either way that will suck, so why not enjoy the high of possibility??
That is the funny thing about being a “grown up.” Always feeling the need to control my emotions. It is not like The Munch ever tries to regulate what she is feeling. She expresses each sentiment when it comes to her without abandon. She doesn’t over analyze or over think of how feeling one way will effect how she feels in the future. She just lets everything ride. But the difference between a child and a adult is that kids let their feelings pass through them. As we age we tend to hold on to emotions tighter… especially the negative ones.
When I am feeling sad or depressed it is hard to remember that I am not going to feel this way forever. That feelings are like the wind, or a river, or some other poetic shit like that. Always moving, always changing, never the same. The Munch doesn’t fear that she will be crying about having green grapes instead of purple until the end of time. She is having an authentic reaction in the moment, and soon things will different. When she gets mad at me because I won’t let her do what she wants, it just takes a little prodding and tickling and soon she is laughing in my arms again. She doesn’t hang on to resentment or anger.
And maybe it is the holding onto feelings that ages us. That creates sickness. That tightens our muscles and makes them sore. Maybe we feel our body deteriorating because of how strongly we try to control our emotions and how hard it then becomes to let then flow.
So I am going to learn from The Munch. I am going to feel like I have never felt before. Because I don’t want look all old.
Ahhhh Munch… you are so wise… like a miniature Buddha.