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October, 2012
Archive

  • The Blood Necklace

    Warning! This story is TMI… otherwise knows as TOO MUCH INFORMATION! If you read further please remember you have been warned!

    Still here? Of course you are! Who doesn’t want to hear something this scandalous!

    Soooooooooooo because of the Hurricane I had no power.  When you have no power, you have no water, so you want to be very strategic when flushing the toilet.  You only have one or two no power flushes, so you want to save them for when you go to brown town.

    As such, when I relieve my bladder, I don’t flush the toilet. However, I was not alone in the bathroom this fateful morning, because Munch was with me yammering away about how she wanted to wear her blue socks and not her green stripe-y socks.  Come to think of it, I almost never go to the bathroom alone without her barging in.  What is with that? Does any mother pee alone?  I digress.

    So when I got off the toilet, I started fooling around with some of my toiletries as Munch and I discussed the benefits of keeping her goddamn green stripe-y socks on.  While we were debating Munch looked in the toilet; presumably to look at my pee considering we do discuss potty training quite a bit these days.

    “Mamma, there is a necklace in there.  I want the Munchee necklace.”

    Oh dear god.  I looked in the toilet, and in the center of the toilet paper was a brilliant red, bright ruby colored dot.  Not a necklace, but actually the beginning punctuation of my period.

    “Mamma, get it.  I want the Munchee necklace.”

    “Ummmmm no, Munch, that is actually not a necklace.”

    And with that I flushed the toilet.

    “Noooooooooooooo!!!!! Mamma Nooooooo!!! I WANT THE MUNCHEE NECKLACE!!! WAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHAHHHHH!”

    Oh the horror of it all…

    (Even I, although tempted, could not take a picture of this display for my blog.  So instead, please enjoy a picture of Munch in a hot tub to take your mind to another place).

    October 31, 2012 • 2 years old, Mommy Body • Views: 113

  • I Pray Everyone is Okay

    I am scared.  This hurricane is terrifying.

    I am afraid a tree is going to fall on my house and crush Munchee :(

    I am nervous for all my friends in New York who I LOVE so much, and for the city I called home for 10 years that still has my heart.

    Although I really appreciate the symbolism of Wall Street under water, I really pray everybody is okay.

    So does Munch

    October 29, 2012 • 2 years old, Current Events, Environmental Impact • Views: 72

  • Sorry Kid, End of the World is Coming

    As I wait for Hurricane Sandy to come eat me alive, I can’t help but think of all the recent natural disasters of the past decade.  I also can’t help but think of a Llama dry humping a canoe while wearing a top hat, but that is just because I have eaten too much sugar today and in kind of in a weird mood.  Although it may seem obvious to me that there is a direct correlation between human impact and the disastrous effects on Mother Nature, there are many who still don’t buy into the idea.  Maybe it in a issue of branding? Like rather than “global warming” it should be called “global erratic weather patterns mixed with some crazy-ass earthquakes, cyclones, and fires all in a short period of time” and more people would agree.

    When I was a kid I don’t remember any natural disasters killing hundreds and thousands of people.  I remember it snowed sometimes.  But if you are a 12 year old kid imagine all the extreme natural disasters that would have happened in your life time!  Yeah people can argue that weather comes in patterns, but the fact that in such a short period there have been so many recored breaking events has to mean something.  And I think that something means the end of the world is coming.

    Sigh…

    I really hope not… and I definitely hope the Mayans weren’t right because then the apocalypse is only 2 months away.  I don’t want my child to die at two! That would suck! She would never experience so many of the joys of life, like drinking wine with friends and making fun of boys you kissed.  I don’t want my Munchee to die on December 21st…  Not to mention the fact that I have some pretty fun plans for New Years.

    Below are some examples of the end of times catastrophes that I could remember off the top of my head. I am sure there are a lot more…. but do your own research because I am not a librarian.

    Tsunami in Indonesia

    Hurricane Katrina

    Earthquake in Turkey

    Earthquake in Haiti

    Tsunami in Japan

    Tornados in Kansas

    Fires in Colorado

    Hurricane Irene

    Earthquake in India

    European heatwave 

    Cyclone Nargis in Burma

     

    Earthquake in Canada triggering Tsunami in Hawaii (ummmm yeah…. this just happened too?!)

    There is a cock and balls coming to get me :(

     

     

     

     

     

     

    October 29, 2012 • 2 years old, Current Events, Environmental Impact, Musings • Views: 150

  • Can I Have My Virginity Back?

    Although losing my virginity was lovely, in that “omg I have never seen a penis before and am so confused as to how it stands up like that and maybe being 14 with braces are obvious indicators I am too young for sex but what the heck we just smoked a joint so lets do this kind of way,” I would like to get it back.  Please universe, forget the fact that I pumped out a baby and lets call that an immaculate conception.  I need my virginity back; I have a big networking party to go to.

    What got me thinking about this was a story about a Brazilian woman named Catarina Migliorini, a 20-year old goddess from another dimension of loveliness, who is selling her virginity on the internet to the highest bidder.  The final price for her V-card was $780,000!!!!!

    What?!  And I gave mine away for free?! Except for maybe we got an ice cream cone after.  Oh the horror!

    Okay, so maybe selling your virginity online to a Japanese businessman seems slightly prostitute-y, but that is a decent chunk of change.  I mean, I would have probably gotten more like a million, but that’s not important.

    I guess there was a guy who was selling his virginity too and only got $3,000.  Wow… I wonder why that is? I thought every woman had a fantasy of sleeping with a virgin said no woman ever.

    Supposedly Catarina is giving 90% of the money to charity for her homeland Brazil, but the filmmaker who is documenting this has contested that fact.  Huh? Wait, there is a filmmaker too? I guess it is not being filmed in a porno way, but more a documentary kind of way? He claims this was initially a business decision for Catarina, but now she feels the pressure to be charitable since the story is getting so much attention in her home country.

    Sister friend… If you are going to sell your body, you should keep the money if you want to! You are only a whore if you KEEP prostituting yourself.  If you only do it once you are kind of a genius.

    Wait, now I feel bad for those charities that won’t be getting the money because Catarina is keeping it for her greedy self.  I think maybe what has to happen is the Brazilian government matches what she raised on her own and gives it to those charities.  That way everybody wins! I think I am going to go into politics.  I am so good at dealing with diplomacy and sex scandals.

    October 26, 2012 • 2 years old, Current Events, Musings, Political Banter, Relationships • Views: 466

  • Bad Hygiene, Or Eco Warrior?

    I am not sure I am the most hygienic person in the world.  Okay, I am sure.  Its not that I am gross or anything, I just prioritize other things.  STOP JUDGING ME!

    You know what? I am an eco warrior.  People talk about being environmental, but I really live this shit.  There should be a shrine to me, and my commitment to waste none of earth’s precious resources.

    I am going to provide a short list of my noble and gracious efforts.  But before you think you are better than me, I would like to tell you that there was once a boy who went to my high school who always wanted to make out with me “because I just seemed so clean.”  So there!  That boy may have been wrong, and an idiot, and also kind of annoying, but he got my essence, and that is what is important.

    1)    I only brush my teeth once a day…maybe. (But think of all the water I am saving)

    2)    I only shower twice a week…maybe. (Boy all those kids dying from lacking access to clean water should be seriously grateful)

    3)    I sometimes sleep in my clothes. (But when I get up, I am already dressed)

    4)    I wash my sheets every 4 months. (Okay, kind of obvious that I am really dedicated to preserving water).

    5)    If the Munch were to drop food in my car… say an entire bag of her puffs… rather than cleaning them up like a normal person, I will let them stay on the mat…for at least a week, so we have something to snack on… because fuck that if you think I am going to waste an entire bag of puffs and vacuum them up.

    October 25, 2012 • 2 years old, Environmental Impact, Health, Mommy Body • Views: 335

  • Please Don’t Molest My daughter

    I came across this song by an artist named Angel Haze where she goes into graphic detail about her experience with sexual abuse as a 7-year old girl.  Listening to her lyrics is almost impossible, but it is her story to tell, and the way she lays it out is not only compelling, but gut wrenching.  Her song makes me want to cry, because of what happened to Angel, and also because by being a woman it is almost impossible to have never experienced some sort of sexual exploitation.

    Rape, child brides, sex slave trafficking, guys feeling you up on the subway, men verbally harassing you on the street… these are all a part of the female experience. The spectrum of violation ranges from the most extreme, to a faint whisper of the horror.  But I think we all have had some hint of intrusion.  I don’t know one woman who hasn’t had at least one uncomfortable sexual encounter that felt demoralizing.

    When I found out I was pregnant I wanted a daughter so badly I could taste it.  But having a girl child comes with a different kind of vulnerability; the terror she may one day be dishonored by a man.  Just writing that makes me want to throw up with rage.

    I have so much respect for Angel.  For speaking out about her pain.  So often this heinous acts are buried under the secrecy of shame.  The more woman that speak out, the more the world will be forced to listen.
    Please… lets create a future where we don’t have to fear our daughters being molested.

     

    October 24, 2012 • 2 years old, Musings, Parenting • Views: 580

  • Restoring My Faith in Humanity

    Today was one of those days where I felt kind of blah.  Maybe it was because I was getting my hair cut and had been staring in the mirror for an hour, or maybe just because life kind of sucks.  Hard to tell.

    I went to a small salon run by a woman who does all the work herself, so it was just the two of us jabbering away.  The hairdresser went to the back to get some chemicals to slap around in my hair, but we were continuing our conversation about photoshopping her “paunch” out of a picture she was going to give to her boyfriend.  Amidst all this, a woman walked in obviously wanting to ask a question regarding business, but I didn’t know how to interrupt my hairdresser friend because she had some good really ideas about photoshopping her arms skinnier as well.

    When she finally came back and saw this potential costumer she was probably a) pretty annoyed I hadn’t said anything to warn her b) pretty interested in making a good impression on this prospective client.

    “I don’t have brochures, but I do have a card that will direct you to my website with all my information.”

    The woman took the card and was about to leave…

    “Thanks so much for coming in, is that lemon pound cake you have? It looks delicious, I love that place, you got it just around the corner right?”

    Now, I am sure my hairdresser was just saying that to be polite and break the ice a little, to connect on some level.  I don’t really think she cared that much about the pound cake.  But listen to what this woman said.

    “Would you like some, I can break some off the other side for you?”

    WHAT???!!

    Who does that? Who not only offers their delicious yummy treat to a stranger, but also is thoughtful enough to break off from the side that they were eating from, that was still covered in plastic, so as to protect you from their mouth cooties.

    Maybe there is hope for mankind after all?

    October 23, 2012 • 2 years old, Adventures, Musings • Views: 191

  • Whoops… Are You Going To Die?

    “Mamma I drank the medicine” is not exactly what you want to hear on a Sunday morning.  Mostly because I had a flashback of five minutes earlier when I saw The Munch walking around with a baby syringe.  Riiiiiiigggghhhhttttt.  So that is what she was getting into.

    “Munch, you drank the medicine, can you show me?”

    “Yeah.”

    Sure enough the entire bottle of Baby Advil was gone.  Now here is where a lot of the details get fuzzy.  How did she open the bottle? Aren’t they child proof? Technically yes.  But this bottle had been strewn in drawer and a lot of the medicine had coagulated and congealed.  So I guess she just could pull the top off? Or perhaps my cat is a drug pusher?

    “Munch how much of the medicine did you drink?”

    “Only one Mamma!”

    Okay, so that was kind of hard to keep a straight face at.  Especially considering her maniacal demeanor and the fact she was giggling like Cheech and Chong talking to the cops.

    “Munch, are you high?” How much of the medicine did you drink? A big sip or a little one?”

    “Big one!”

    Then she proceeded to run around the house like her diaper was on fire, yelling and laughing Jim Morrison style.  In the midst of this display, my friend and I were trying to decide what to do about it, and if I should be worried.

    “Well, it is only infant Advil so I don’t think she is going to go into a coma.”

    “Wow, thanks.  Hadn’t even thought of her going into a coma until now.”

    Then another friend called and suggested I call the company, and in the meantime give her milk and bread to absorb it.

    “Munch, do you want some milk and bread?”

    “I want milk in my bread Mamma!”

    “Ooooookkkkkaaaaayyyy.”  But I only had moldy bread, which of course she grabbed out of my hand before I could tear off all the green parts and ran like a wild horse stuffing it in her mouth.

    As my friend heard all this she reminded me that at least with the moldy bread she was getting penicillin, so that made me realize what I good mom I really am.

    I called the 1-800 number and they were only open Monday through Friday, so I figured most people didn’t poison themselves on the weekend so we were probably okay.  It was hard for me to know what to do because Munch was having the time of her life.  She was like living the Van Halen dream.

    I tried to calm her down, and put her at the table to eat some things that weren’t rotting.  While I was cutting her pear she threw my glass bowl on the floor, which obviously shattered.

    “Uhhhhh Munch, why would you do that? Why would you throw glass?”

    “I wanted to bounce it Mamma.” This oddly made sense to me.

    To distract The Munch while I cleaned the 120,000 shards, I gave her the lotion she had been demanding to play with.  Not the best toy, I concur, but she wanted to squeeze the “creamy creamy.”

    When I finally swept up the debris and looked at her again, Munch had lotion coating her entire face and hands like she had just done an incredibly inappropriate porno movie.

    “Oh dear Munch, that is really gross, you need to wash your hands.”

    I put her by the sink and was wiping up the clumps of white gooey lotion from the table, and when I looked at my child, I saw that she had created a soapy concoction mixed with lotion, chewed up pear, and water that she was dipping her bread into and eating happily.

    What the heck do they put in Baby Advil?  Because I need to get me some of that!

    (Notice the moldy bread in mouth and glazed over eyes.  This kid knows how to party!)

     

  • Too Much of A Good Thing is A Bad Thing

    Too much of a good thing ends up being pretty bad.

    Example 1: Frosting on cake.

    Cake without frosting is just sugar bread, but cake with too much frosting will stick to the clitoris in the back of your throat and make you gag.

    Example 2: Sex

    Everyone loves having sex…unless you have had too much.  Then you are rubbed raw :(

    Example 3: Butterflies

    Who doesn’t adore butterflies? You have to be a total psycho not to point out a butterfly floating in a field with an exclamation of awe. “Look everyone… a butterfly!”  And then they would all look and relish in the wonder of it all… maybe even an orgy would ensue, all because of your butterfly spotting.  Butterflies seem pretty awesome now right?

    Unless you are in a room full of butterflies flapping around all Silence of The Lambs like.  Munch and I went to the butterfly museum the other day where they had a tropical room full of a massive variety of these creatures.  On the one hand it was totally peaceful and magical, but at the same time, if they had all flown to me and covered my being completely with their spindly legs and fuzzy bodies so I was wearing a suit of butterflies, I think I would have shat my pants.

    Doesn’t it look like the butterfly and The Munch are in a fight and giving each other the silent treatment?

     

     

    October 19, 2012 • 2 years old, Adventures • Views: 476