July, 2012
Archive

  • Nobody knows what they are doing

    People love to act like they are completely in control.  We go through life pretending like we know exactly what is going on.  Part of being an adult is maintaining the illusion that you have authority over your own life.  When you become a parent, this is exacerbated because you then also become responsible for keeping your kid alive, and that makes you feel like you know what is up.

    But do you really?

    Parents need to maintain a confident vibe because you don’t want your enemy to see weakness.  Not that your child is your enemy, necessarily, but they are your adversary.  The parent-child relationship is one that has elements of a battle.  You need to have authority over your kid because one of you has to be in control, and better you then a two-year old. Trust me.  If Munch was the boss in our relationship I would be spending my days making sandcastles that she stomps on and then makes me make again, putting her dolly’s dress on and then taking it off then putting it back on then taking it off again, or peeling her grapes.  Wait… that is how I spend my days.  Whatever, I am still the boss okay.  OKAY?!

    But all this time faking that I am authority figure made me start to believe I really was for a second.  Until a child put me in my place of course.  I was visiting my aunt and uncle this morning and thought I would ask my 13-year old cousin if she would like to babysit.  My cousin was tentative at first and said:

    “Well, I haven’t taken any classes.”

    “That is okay, I haven’t taken any classes either.”

    Then her mom chimed in and said.

    “Well you can be a mommy’s helper and watch Munch while Toni is in the house.  But you can’t watch her by yourself until you have taken infant CPR.”

    Holy crap!  I haven’t taken infant CPR.  If Munch needed CPR the best I could do was find a bicycle pump, stick it in her mouth, and hope for the best.

    My cousin is still young enough to be honest with herself.  There really are no guarantees in life, and although she is totally down to babysit, she doesn’t really know what she is doing.

    Hey, guess what kid.  Neither do I!

    “Hey Mamma… make another sandcastle.”

     

    July 31, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 106

  • My Kid is A Twitter

    As long as The Munch is conscious, her mouth is flapping.  This child does not stop talking. She just yaps her way through each day with barely enough air coming into her mouth to sustain life.  But it is not like she is parlaying monologues of vast significance or philosophical diatribes that titillate the mind.  She does not spew poetic prose outfitted with fashionable metaphors and high-end adjectives.  Munch just ejects thoughts like a live twitter account.  Nothing connecting one idea to the next; just farting out comments 130 characters or less.

    Tweets From The Munch

    I need juice

    I need water

    Baby needs juice and water

    I need to go to the sandbox

    There are bugs in the sandbox

    Mama needs to wash armpits

    There’s a plane!

    I hear birdies

    Cheep. Cheep.

    I have bug bites

    I wanna see the blue doggie

    The cows are sleeping

    The sunset is pretty

    I need to take my shoes off

    I need my shoes

    I don’t want Munchee sandwich, Mama’s sandwich!

     

     

     

     

    July 30, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 44

  • Cheating Chicks

    So in case you have been too busy reading the news about world events, the election, weather catastrophes… you might have missed that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson! I know.  I know.  Important stuff here.

    So this 22-year old girl cheated on her boyfriend with a married man.  The director of her last film Snow White.  This is pretty scandalous, not to mention tacky to be the other woman with a man who has two kids and wife…. But does this girl really owe the world a public apology for what she did?

    I get that being a celebrity means that your life is on display as much as your work.  We don’t just judge people’s talents, but also the personal brand they create for themselves.  Their persona impacts their career just as much as their talent.  This is the system she signed up for.  But there is something absurd about tearing apart a young woman because of sexcapades… all adventurous women have them.

    The thing that I find most alarming is that women/girls are the ones who are truly fuming.  She is getting death threats on twitter by thousands of enraged chicks!  Actual quote here

    “Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert with her director…WTF! *loads and cocks gun* Imma kill that bitch :/”

    Girls are losing their minds with fury that Kristen would do such a thing.  But are they really mad at Kristen’s behavior, or just that she is with Rob at all?  I think the true anger comes from the fact that they aren’t rich and famous with a rich famous boyfriend and hate Kristen for having not only dating Rob, but having the audacity to treat him like a *gasp* regular guy! How dare she!?

    She wasn’t married with kids.  That was his problem.  She is a 22-year old with a boyfriend.  Committed relationships are boring, especially when you are young.  You want to be adventurous, take risks, and follow passion.  I was never really a fan of Kristen, (mainly because she is way more successful than me – which makes me feel threatened and inadequate), but I feel like branding her with a scarlet letter is hypocritical.

    People cheat, especially young beautiful insanely rich people.  There are countless stories about men being cheaters, and most of them were married with children.  Kobe, Jude, Tiger, Hugh, Eddie… Kristen didn’t ass rape anyone or illegally pay someone for sex.  She got caught up with the director/actress affair fantasy.  I hope that all the people sending her death threats on twitter will realize that what Kristen did is a feminist act! Women can be sexual predators too! This is progress Munch!

    I think Munch totally has what it takes to one day, two-time guys

    July 27, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 46

  • Annoying Things Parents Do

    There are a lot of annoying things that parents do.  I know this because I am around a lot of parents, and also because I am sure I too can be an annoying parent.  But I would like to think my annoying parent-ness is cool, and ironic, and makes me look skinny.

    But every so often I think it is important to point these things out… for example:

    Hanging out with people that have kids can be somewhat awkward.  You want to spend time with the adult in question, but then there is this other tiny person eavesdropping on everything you say.  Staring at you with wide eyes and an expecting expression, saying nothing, judging your every move.  It gets kind of weird.

    So because you don’t want to be a total dick and ignore the miniature human, you might ask them a question about themselves.  Keep in mind your intention is to engage the child, make them feel like they are participating, and part of the group.  So you might say…

    “So, little Suzie, do you have a best friend at school?”  And then you wait patiently for Suzie to understand what you are asking and come up with an answer… but then suddenly, after a slightly long pause, the parent ends up replying for their child!

    “Suzie you have a best friend don’t you honey? Her best friend is this girl Rebecca.  She is very sweet.”

    Oh no, you don’t get it.. I actually don’t give a shit.  Do you really think I care about Suzie’s best friend Rebecca? Like I was on the edge of my seat waiting to hear about Suzie’s social situation in kindergarten? NO! I was just trying to be nice to your kid by involving them in the conversation!

    I get it though. I am sometimes in this exact situation. Someone will ask Munch a question like what her dolly’s name is, and she just stares at them with her finger up her nose.  Yeah, it is kind of uncomfortable, but she will answer the question… eventually!  She just doesn’t care if there is a major lull in the conversation because she is a child and they have no sense of time.

    “Hey Munch… who the hell is that guy behind you? Oh sorry, I see you are quite busy picking your nose.  Take your time answering me.”

    July 26, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 64

  • I LOVE People That Remind Me of ME!

    I had this thought that seemed so insightful I was convinced I had an epiphany of epic proportions.  After this instance of extraordinary philosophical awareness, I took a moment to pat myself on the back because I also happened to be choking at the time.

    People love their children because they remind them of themselves!

    I love Munch because she has so much me in her.  She has me in her DNA.  Her behavior is influenced by me, and how I act.  She looks like me.  She has acquired some of my facial expressions.  She mimics a lot of the things that I do.  She says things I say.

    It is sooooooo adorable when Munch acts like me and it makes me love her more then ever during those moments!

    The next time I have a baby, I hope it’s a mirror!

     

    July 25, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 40

  • YOUR EMBARRASSING ME!

    I think the one emotion that most everyone has trouble handling is embarrassment.  Feeling embarrassed is like someone stabbing you in the ego.  It is so hard to handle because it attacks the very part of you that is most prideful.  It is a feeling you can only experience in front of the people, because it is the audience that makes the feeling.  Without a spectator to witness your humiliation, being embarrassed doesn’t even exist.

    No one has ever felt embarrassed by themselves.

    So this is the problem with disciplining your kid in front of other people.  Your kid does something obnoxious, you want to scold them, but chastising your child in front of other people is inherently uncomfortable.  So your kid isn’t focusing on what they did wrong, but instead how crappy they feel that you are punishing them with someone else watching.  The embarrassment supersedes any lesson you want them to learn.  Munch hates being embarrassed and if I scold her in front of someone it usually makes her want to act out more because she gets so pissed I would do that to her.  She gives me a look that says “oh no you didn’t Mamma… now I am going to embarrass the shit out of you and throw this rock at your head.”

    So how do you deal?  Public punishment may not be effective, but you also don’t want to say nothing either.  Because then whoever is watching will judge you and think you are a weak, passive, parent with your thumb up your ass.  And you can’t whisper your disciplinary words into kid’s ear because then everyone will think you are lame.

    Right now I think the best strategy is to somehow take your kid aside and explain that they shouldn’t be such an asshole…. Especially in front of other people because they are making you look like an asshole, and we can’t have that.

    July 24, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 49

  • I Go Poops in the Potty

    A big part of being a parent is dealing with poop.  At first, you have the cleaning up of poop. The making sure poop doesn’t get in your kid’s twatt, or cake to their balls.  The times poops leaks out of their diaper, down their back, and into their hair.  The poops that some how got under your fingernail, and the poops you have to scrape off their butt cheeks because you didn’t’ change them fast enough at it caked to their skin.  All while never gagging, retching, or saying “holy shit that is a massive disgusting shit” because that will give them a complex. Your life becomes a poop filled adventure.

    So you deal, with as much grace as one can.   You don’t throw your child’s burrito and corn sprinkled poo diaper out in your friend’s garbage. You take it home with you, like a doggie bag ready to snack on later.  You spend years of your life noticing consistency, remembering diapers, wipes and cream so your little loved one doesn’t get chafed, raw, itchy, genitals.  You are considerate, you are patient, you are stoic in the face of olfactory horror because you know it isn’t going to last forever.  At some point, your kid is going to poops in the potty and it will no longer be your problem.  Just something they do in private that you hopefully will never have to witness again.  Their diarrhea will be their own battle.

    But to obtain freedom from your child’s bowels, one must deal with teaching them not to shit their pants.  You would think this was easier said then done.  If someone pulled me aside and told me “Hey Toni, you actually don’t have to shit in your pants anymore.  You can poops in the potty and never again smear your feces across your buttocks when you sit,” I would be game.  I think I would be pretty into not waddling around with a poops weighing down my pants.

    So far in this process of “potty training” The Munch and I are not seeing eye to eye.  It isn’t that she doesn’t know she has poops in her pants, because she sure does…  But when I try and have her poops in the potty she just says “No I don’t want to.”  If I ask her why she answers “I don’t want to.”  Hard to argue with that.

    We read books about pooping in the potty, she tells me how “Mamma poops in the potty” and she will climb into her potty and stand.   She will then talk about how much she likes standing in her potty, and maybe even try to put the potty on her head.  But she will not sit on it.  I guess maybe having poops in your pants isn’t that bad… after all it is warm and smooshy.

    Here is Munch showing her Grandmother how well she stands in her potty

    July 23, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 213

  • The World is Still Full Of Racism

    I am sure you know this, but people are really racist.

    I wanted to show pictures of monkeys to The Munch on my computer, so I typed up “monkey” in google, went to “images,” and the below picture of president Obama came up on the FIRST PAGE!

    How can this be?

     

    July 20, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 59

  • I like you, but not the facebook you

    Some people’s Facebook identities really bother me.  The pictures they put up, the posts they decide to share, the information they expose.  I may even like them a lot in person, think they are nifty and full of spice, but their online persona makes me want to smack them around and poke them in the spleen.

    Facebook is like branding yourself.  You create the brand that is you, complete with exactly how you want to be perceived.  But the problem is… not everyone is good at branding.  People can attempt to brand themselves in one way, but the overall package makes them seem quite douchey.  Every decision you make from how you answer the question about your “interests,” to if you have a sardonic relationship status, or how sincere you are in your comments, to how many albums you have, if you have taken all your profile pictures yourself on your computer, if you have a self-mocking tone to the line marked “profession,”  if you take too seriously your status updates, if you over-share your personal problems, or if you post pictures of random high-end eco living situations like a mansion carved into a redwood.  Everything you put on Facebook somehow defines you, but I feel like it isn’t always accurate to how people really are.

    I also resent my Facebook friends that have become Facebook celebrities.  Everything they post has 65 people “liking” it.  Really? That many people “like” that you worked out and then had a doughnut for breakfast.  I mean yes, that is quite amusing and ironically clever….but really?  I could post a picture of me blowing Nelson Mandela with the cure to cancer written across my cheek (has to be a profile shot of me to get the right angle) and still only a few people will “like” it.

    Maybe I am just Facebook bitter and Timeline jealous?

    July 19, 2012 • Uncategorized • Views: 152