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February, 2012

  • Maybe We Aren’t As Great As We Think We Are

    Humans tend to think of themselves as the ultimate supreme superior species on planet earth. Sure we can genetically modify a strawberry to have the face of a lion and human ears for an ass, but that doesn’t mean that we are as great as we think we are. If humans were so snazzy, then why does it take a microscopic virus to completely overpower us?

    The tiniest minuscule itty bitty little virus can conquer any human, having them begging for mommy while laying in bed twisting covers around their defeated depleted bodies thinking they are going to die. The human race may feel intellectually advanced, but are we really if something as simple as touching the wrong door handle then licking your fingers after eating cheesy chips can totally debilitate you?

    The real rulers of the earth are simple organisms that have been around for millions of years and will stick around for millions more. Infecting dinosaurs, mammals, humans, and our future alien hybrid super beings. They will adapt and figure out a way to infest different bodies, feed off the living, and rock our world from the inside out.

    February 29, 2012 • 1 year old, Health, Musings • Views: 1225

  • Can you talk yourself out of being sick?

    What is more powerful, the mind or the body? Is it possible for me to will this flu away? Despite my salvia starting to gather into a thick substance indicating the potential of vomit soon on the horizon, can I convince myself that this isn’t happening? That this uncontrollable drool pooling in the back of my mouth is my teeth’s new self-cleaning mechanism? That this cramping, rumbling, tensing, sensation in my stomach is just me working out while curled in a fetal position sucking my thumb. That the fact I haven’t had an appetite for two days means my Hollywood diet is finally working and starving myself no longer feels like a big deal?

    The Munch is on her third day of her puke/diarrhea spectacular, and I am feeling a little apprehensive about my current physical state of being. But I cannot get sick right now, so I am choosing to empower my state of mind instead. Sick mommy and sick baby is a little to Dicken’s for my taste.

    We are exposed to germs and grossness everyday, and it is only sometimes that our immune systems can’t fight it. So forget the fact that I just barfed in my mouth. That is not important. I am not going to let this flu win, although I think I might let some of this spew into the toilet because you know how many calories throw-up has.

    ps I totally couldn’t. spent the last three hours puking 😮

    February 28, 2012 • 1 year old, Health, Mommy Body • Views: 3458

  • Public Places And Their Communicable Diseases

    I live a pretty isolated life, so every once and a while I feel the pressure to take The Munch on adventures to commune with other children. My friend Grace and I went to an indoor play land that we knew quite possibly would be filled with disgusting germ ridden tots, but decided the potential joy was worth the risk. Well, it wasn’t at all.

    First of all, The Munch is kind of a snob and doesn’t like to be around the masses. She spent the first hour and a half staring, judging, and making comments to herself about how balls aren’t that big of a deal so calm down. Once the crowd thinned down she started to loosen up and put a few toys in her mouth to see what all the fuss was about. I knew this was a problem, but I wanted her to enjoy life and be a kid so I didn’t stop her. Plus I was going to put them in my mouth next because what is all the fuss about?

    Needless to say The Munch got violently ill after this extravaganza. She spent all last night puking, barfing, hacking, gagging, and vomiting. I thought it was over this morning so I finally washed the chunks out of her hair and mine, only for her to puke 10 more times during the day. Sometimes in my hands. Other times on my shirt. And this last time all over my lap and down my pants.

    (Notice the stripe the puke that oozed between my legs made on the couch)

    “Mamma…. this sux….and you smell rancid…”

    February 27, 2012 • 1 year old, Adventures, Baby Body, Health • Views: 1418

  • Making Fun of Munch and Laughing Through Life

    Having a sense of humor is like foreskin… you don’t need it to survive, but it makes life more pleasurable. Being able to laugh at life is an important reminder that we are all just animals trying to exist on a ball of rock floating through space. Either slowly being sucked towards the imminent destruction of flesh searing off our bones as we melt into a pile of anguish by the black hole of a sun, or else expanding into a cold dark alternate universe where all the material laws we once cherished evaporate challenging our very sense of existence as we eventually freeze to death feeling totally helpless and alone.

    See how funny it all is?

    I think the more I am able to find humor in the absurdity of life, the less stressed I feel about how much life can blow whale penis sometimes. Being able to maintain a sense of humor about who I am as person helps in the torment of not always being the person I want to be. When I am honest with myself, I have to admit I am always making the same mistakes, doing embarrassing things, wishing I were a slightly different 2.0 version of myself.

    If I think too hard about these things I start to panic about all the shit shitty that is piling up into a big pile of shit I call a life. But if I picture all that shit in cartoon form, and then someone slipping in it falling so deep into feces that only the top of their head is showing, I forget about all my problems and eat some brownies.

    That is why it is important for me to make fun of The Munch so she learns to laugh at herself and this wild ride we call life. Even though as a mother you are never sure if that baby is really yours, I feel very connected to The Munch because we laugh about so much of the same things. Falling down, farts, and not telling each other if we have food on our face!

    “Your good Munch… don’t worry about it… you look great.”

    February 24, 2012 • 1 year old, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 1012

  • Half of Life is Just Showing Up

    If you want to know the secret of success it is sleeping your way to the top. But a pretty good runner up to that strategy is as simple as showing up. It seems like such an ordinary idea, but so does having a different kind of soap for your head, face, body, hands… and they are making billions on our being convinced that this makes sense.

    You don’t have to be the best at what you do, but by being there you have an advantage over all the people who did not show up. How many meetings have you gone to that were totally pointless, but if you had missed them you would have been penalized? Kind of like high school math classes…

    All you have to do is force your body to get off the couch and travel somewhere you are supposed to be, and immediately you are transformed into a responsible person. As long as you smell decent and your eyes are open, people will consider you reliable and that is more valuable then being a genius who always flakes out.

    So the next time you really don’t feel like doing something, do it anyway. You never know unless you go, and by just being there you will come off like you care, even if you don’t.

    “If I could just peel my eyelids open so my eyeballs were exposed I would be winning!”

    February 23, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings, Working Mommy • Views: 2034


    I am going to give you a piece of my mind, and not because you asked for it, but because I want to give it so you better get ready to slather it with butter and slap it on some toast. You need to know exactly how I feel about you whether you want to hear it or not. The only way I am going to feel better is if you know what is going on with me, and my feelings. I may not even outright tell you how I feel and instead just act like a feel. For example I might act mad or disappointed by being distant, cold, or repeatedly poking my voodoo doll of you while looking into your third eye and chanting Wiccan verses.

    We have so many different strategies of passively showing someone we are upset with them so they will ask as “what is wrong” for you to say “nothing” then for them to say “are you sure, because you are acting like something is wrong” for you to say “it’s nothing really” and for them to say “okay then” and for you to say “actually….” and then talk for 26 minutes about why they suck and have the grossest way of eating sandwiches.

    Humans have a compulsion to let other humans know how they feel about things. There is a certain irony to this considering feelings are as allusive as political debates. You may feel totally pissed at a friend, but then unbutton your pants to relieve your gaseous gut and forget to care about whether or not they texted you back about if you should buy the next Iphone or wait two weeks for the next Iphone to come out.

    As much as it is important to feel heard, it is more important to feel understood, and even more important to feel like someone is picturing you naked. We need to talk about our feelings more than we even need the actual problem to change. It is as if the act of verbalizing something is more emotionally relevant then whether or not there is an actual outcome. As long as the other person admits that “yes, you are right, it is annoying how I am always late” it doesn’t really matter that they will continue to be. They just need to acknowledge where you are coming from, and you somehow feel like the issue is resolved even though technically it isn’t.

    Think about how many times you get into the same argument with someone. That is because they may have heard what you said and empathized with your perspective, but it doesn’t mean they can just change who they are because you want them to. If that were the case then I would have four tits and cry champagne.

    “Mom… it really bother’s me when I say “no bath” and then you make me take a bath anyway…but not really because I kinda forgot about it 2 seconds into it because I am a baby and don’t really know what is going on.”

    February 22, 2012 • 1 year old, Musings, Relationships • Views: 1068

  • I Don’t Want to Grow Up To Be Like My Parents

    For most of us, our main experience with parenting comes from thinking about how we were parented by our own parents. There are some of you out there who really enjoyed your upbringing and might emulate that style, but for most of us we tend to want to do the exact opposite of how we were raised. Call it rebellion, call it fear of becoming your parents, call it self-reflection of your own inadequacies that were obviously the fault of your thoughtless parental units and all the mistakes they made because they are stupid mean poopy faces.

    Our frame of reference of how to deal with our children is so intimately tied to how we were treated when young. It is virtually impossible to avoid the influence of your subjective experience and how you wished things were for you. If your parents we super controlling, you may want to give your kids more freedom. Or if your parents were very critical you may want to be excessively supportive. Where the intention behind this is rooted in a rationality that makes sense to you, it may not always be what is best for your particular child.

    While you might have fantasized about having more independence and less micro managing, it might feel like neglect to your child. Or you may have felt you never got encouragement, but being too supportive of every potential interest your child has could manifest into enabling rather than motivating.

    The irony is that the extreme opposite spectrum you may traverse in order to avoid being like your parents will end up making your kids want to be the opposite of you… so then they will be more like their grandparents! Instead of becoming your parents you can end up making them!

    Although we will never escape our conditioning, we can control how we let if effect us. There are so many different ways to raise children that I think it is good to experiment and see what works best. My current approach is the classic “raised by a pack of wolves.”

    February 21, 2012 • 1 year old, Mommy Mind, Musings, Parenting • Views: 3261

  • Hey World, Go Away

    Taking time for yourself may seem selfish, but it is actually one of the most selfless things you can do. Everyone needs a chance to recharge their batteries, pamper themselves, meditate, create something beautiful just for the passion of it, eat something delicious that no one takes a bit of. Most of us spend so much of life giving ourselves to work, friends, family, children, that you become so drained of life force you go to bed feeling like a flaccid penis.

    Whenever I have time away from The Munch it is never to relax and stare into the third eye of the cosmos, but rather alone moments morph into a few hours of tornado like activity. After my cyclone of my endeavors ceases and I again become responsible for keeping my toddler alive, I am then transported into her storm of constant commotion. Of course I also have all the other relationships in life that demand love, attention, and time so why not pick my scalp until it bleeds?

    I started to realize that this is not the best parenting strategy on my part because when I feel like this, I also end up letting The Munch participate in totally demented behavior because I don’t have the energy to discipline her. For instance, she was insisting on carrying her toilet up the stairs as I was getting everything ready for her bath. I told her “no,” and explained that it was dangerous and tried to take the toilet away, but she screamed in my face. I figured that the stairs were carpeted, and I had put pillows on the floor by the base of the stairs for a reason, so I kept living my life and got her pajamas together.

    Or this morning The Munch got a hold of my Chapstick and started smearing it all over her face. I tried to get her to give it to me, but she was having too much fun with it and would run away from me every time I got close enough to snatch it. I knew if I ripped it from her hands she would kick my ass, so I again decided to just keep living my life and continued to do the dishes. Of course she ended up eating the Chapstick, but I figured it was organic shea butter and would maybe be a nice digestive aid.

    So from now on I am going to try and take a little more time to do something healing for myself because in the end it is really so I can be a better person, friend, worker, parent… and not let my child eat 4 popsicles in one day.

    See… those are nice soft stairs right????

    February 20, 2012 • 1 year old, Disciplining, Mommy Mind, Musings, Parenting • Views: 1190

  • The Game of Lust

    It is the game that fuels the attraction, and the game that is the ultimate distraction.
    Lust and love are often intertwined into the same relationship, but they are two very distinctive feelings motivated by different impulses. Romantic relationships magnetize mental mind games because part of what makes us uncontrollably passionate about another person is not feeling 100% secure. The ironic conflict between lust and love is that our minds think we want absolute security from our beloved, but our crotches like the challenge of not being able to anticipate what is going to happen next.

    You of course want to be honest about who you are and what you want, but leaving a little bit of mystery can ultimately make you more attractive. There is a delicate balance between not answering every text message and coming off as totally sneaky, but if you can find that sweet spot you will only make yourself more desirable. Although our hearts crave total intimacy and our minds resist surprises, our sexy parts are a little more daring. In order to heighten your sex appeal you have to make sure your lover knows they can count on you when they need you most, but that they don’t think you are at their disposal.

    It is not easy to maintain the game the longer you get to know someone because they start to know you are playing a game, so then your game becomes not to play any games, which they then catch on to so you start playing the game again, but it doesn’t seem as genuine because you already came out of it, so then you stop playing again and just watch TV.

    “Sorry I can’t answer your call right now… I am too busy hanging with my girlfriend and my dog in our underwear…”

    February 17, 2012 • 1 year old, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 3339