New Year’s eve is this weekend, and it makes me feel how sobriety can really suck sometimes. I am going on three years of absolutely no addictive substances. No coffee, cigarettes, booze, black tar heroine…. It is hard because most adult connections involving leisure revolves around drinking. Alcohol is the ultimate social lubricant because you lose your self–consciousness, and feel a sense of intimacy with those who are getting plastered with you.
But being the sober person around people indulging is a really isolating position to be in. You feel like you aren’t having as much fun as your tipsy comrades, and they feel like you are judging them for drinking. I also miss all the antics you get into while being inebriated. You have wonderful ideas like testing the ice in a the middle of a just frozen lake, getting a tattoo of Yosemite Sam, or making out with a stranger who has dried vomit in their hair.
Maybe I also associate drinking with my youth. Being young and not caring about consequences. I feel nostalgic for those carefree memories of jumping out of a moving car, fighting in public, and waking up with bruises I had no memory of creating.
Being sober was a life choice I made not because I had substance abuse issues, but my relationship to substances came from a place of trying to escape. Maybe that is the case with everyone, but after doing my 10-day silent meditation retreat we all took a vow around basic moral conduct, one of them being not to partake in addictive substances. So I made this commitment and part of me just can’t help but honor it, even if I bore the crap out of myself on nights like New Years Eve. I may feel lonely around other people, but I feel less lonely around myself so I guess I am going to keep going for another year.
But for all you who aren’t existentially tortured have champagne for me and get wasted because fuck it can be a ton of fun!!!!! ☺