September, 2011
Archive

  • Snot-Nosed Kids

    I am stupid sick. My immune system sucks, and I probably have passed on my crappy DNA to The Munch.

    Of course the first thing I want to do is blame someone so I can direct my anger and resentment.

    The only place I feel like I could have caught something was at my mommy group, which makes me mad and sad. Mad because some snot nosed little kid put there snotty hands on me, mad because I must have touched the snot streak and then put my hands in my mouth or eyes or where ever to penetrate my being and get me sick, and sad because I love my mommy group and now next week I am going to think everyone is a suspect, and then mad and sad because now that I am sick I write crazy run-on sentences that seem like they are never going to end.

    Why is that? Why do kids always have snot coming out of their nose? I actually know why… because they can’t figure out how to blow their stupid noses… but still.. grow up already.

    I feel sorry for myself, but then I think how selfish that is because there is so much real suffering in the world and I just have a sore throat and a cold, and then I think about how I am hungry but am too tired to make myself something which makes me then think of all the starving children who don’t have food. Maybe I should have just watched TV and be sick like a normal person…

    What did I do all day? I had someone watch The Munch then spent 3 hours cooking for her and thinking about the Mayan Apocalypse

    September 30, 2011 • 1 year old, Health • Views: 41

  • Eye Bags

    You know those people who insist on pointing out your physical imperfections? They tell you your arms are hairy or how unfortunate it is that you have your brother’s chin. Keep in mind this is not Giselle or Leo Dicaprio critiquing your mole placement, but someone with saggy cheeks and hair like dead grasshopper legs.

    I never react right in those situations and usually agree with them rather than insulting them back. “Wow, you are right… I never noticed that my skin is dull just like my mother’s. Thanks for pointing that out!”

    Are these people sociopaths? Why can’t you just say “I like your jacket” like a normal person?

    It is one thing when you are the subject of attack, but it is another thing when they are critiquing your child.

    Okay… first of all… what kind of person criticizes a baby? Even if I think your kid looks like Tony Soprano I am still going to say it is cute! That is what you do!! You meet a baby, tell the parent how adorable it is, and plan what you are going to eat for dinner in your head.

    So the other day, The Munch and I went with Grace and Calvin to the beach to watch the sunset. This woman we knew came up to us and started telling us how much she wants to buy chickens but how her dog would eat them if she did. Fascinating stuff right? Shall I go on for another 6 paragraphs like she did?

    So she then starts telling Grace how cute Calvin is. Okay… things are going fine… then she turns to The Munch who is MINDING HER OWN BUSINESS NOT TALKING SHIT ABOUT ANYONE….

    “What is this one’s name?”

    “This is Adelia….”

    “She’s got those eyes…” Okay… pause… so far this statement could be taken a lot of different ways. Grace assumes she is going to say something positive about The Munch’s eyes so she interrupts…

    “Oh I know they are so captivating…”

    “No… I meant the bags under her eyes… she’s got those Hungarian bags under her eyes.”

    Okay fine…. she did have a bug bite under her eye… and I am Hungarian from my father’s side… and yes, he and I both do have bags under her eyes, but seriously WTF!

    “Whoa! Look at the bags under those baby’s eyes! Tsk Tsk!”

    September 29, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Musings • Views: 143

  • Running From Life

    Isn’t it strange that in modern times we have to make time for exorcising? Back in the day, life was exercise enough. I don’t think people were coming back from plowing the fields to do some crunches.

    Animals don’t exercise… You will never see a cheetah doing pushups, or a dog lifting weights. So why do we humans decontextualize exercise? We have to put aside an hour to do repetitive movements rather than just living a life full of movement. Maybe why it is hard for people to get into exercising is because so much of it is boring as shit and makes you feel like a lab rat.

    I can’t really blame anyone who doesn’t want to go to spin classes between working all day and going home to deal with life. Modern technology has afforded us a lot more leisure because we don’t have to walk 10 miles to get water or chop wood for 26 hours to heat our house for 1, but in a way it has also enslaved us to our chairs. Unless you are a gym teacher or a stripper chances are there isn’t a lot of opportunity to move your body in your everyday existence.

    Some of us however, are addicted to movement and need it to survive. Call it ADD, being descendants of hunters, or vanity, but there are people that will make time no matter what, and I am one of them. A day where I don’t move my body around is a day where I feel incomplete.

    So the other day I decided to go for a run. I haven’t been on one for few years, but the idea was calling to me. I had a friend watch The Munch and off I went listening to Missy Eliot on Pandora.

    I realized during this run that this was the longest I had ever moved my body without the Munch for 2 years (if you count my being preggers). She was either inside of me, attached to me, crawling all over me, being carried by me…

    I never ran so fast in my entire life. I felt so free. So light. So appreciative of that moment of just being me flying through the wind looking at the trees. I even sprinted up the last hill I was so excited to get home and tell The Munch all about it.

    I know what you are thinking… and yes I always wear really sexy running outfits like this…

    September 28, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Health, Mommy Mind • Views: 25

  • My Baby is Judging You

    You know that moment where you meet someone for the first time? In the back of your mind you know you are sizing each other up, but superficially you are both polite. You say classic lines like “Hello,” “How do you do,” or “How ‘bout a fuck and a pizza… What? You don’t like pizza?”

    As adults we do our best to make a good first impression. We don’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable around us, and we certainly don’t want them thinking they are being judged. We try out best to be witty and charming to be well liked and not embarrass yourself.

    Babies don’t exactly have this etiquette.

    Have you ever met a baby or young child and they just stare at you. They don’t say anything… they just look into the bowels of your soul. You may try to engage them and say “Oh my, what a pretty dress you are wearing” but you get nothing. No response. Just a stare.

    It is kind of admirable they way babies are. They don’t care what you think about them. What they are concerned about is what they think about you. Have you ever had the balls to just stare at some one when you first meet them? I dare you to try it… then let me know how it goes because that would be awesome.

    Every time The Munch meets someone for the first time she will just look at them for an awkwardly long time. I kind of hate it when parents tell their kids “Honey, don’t be rude and say ‘hello’ to the nice man,” because that never works and only makes things more uncomfortable. So I just let the moment simmer. My friend will be silent looking back and forth between me and The Munch, The Munch is silent looking at my friend, and I am silent thinking about what my next tweet will be.

    If I get bored by my internal monologue I will break the silence and say “I think the best strategy is to ignore her and just live your life. After she finishes judging you she will either befriend you or cry at the sight of your face.”

    But it totally works!

    If you just let the kid judge the shit out of you and act like you don’t give a care, usually they decide they like you!

    September 27, 2011 • 1 year old, Baby Brain, Behavior, Musings • Views: 56

  • Occupy Wall Street

    The “Occupy Wall Street” protests are seriously the DOPEST SHIT EVER!!!! I cannot even write how amazing I think this is without using CAPS AND AN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Not only is this incredibly meaningful, but also a necessary and inevitable consequence to our current economic system of insanity.

    Can we just take a moment to reflect on just how irrational our “economy” is….

    Companies make products, but in order for that company to make money they have to stay competitive with the other companies who make the same products. The way they do that is by cutting costs, using the cheapest stuff they can find and paying people the least amount they can. So basically you are getting the shittiest shit made by a human who is getting paid shit.

    That would be one thing if whatever you were buying would last for the rest of your life right? But that doesn’t work for companies because then they would lose you as a customer. Nothing is built to actually last because everything is built to last the least amount of time you will tolerate and still buy more.

    So basically, quality, sustainability, and longevity are enemies to corporate America.

    Considering we are currently living on a planet with FINITE resources this is serious problem. I don’t know about you, but I didn’t buy a timeshare on Mars, and I think it would be a better idea to actually RESPECT the resources we have left.

    Mad respect to all of you out there fighting the good fight!

    September 26, 2011 • 1 year old, Environmental Impact, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 23

  • We All Must Be Part Retarded

    Do you realize how many times a baby hits their head in a day? It is not like I have the most extreme baby either. She isn’t training to be a ninja or anything. But I swear on everything holy The Munch hits her head anywhere between 10 and 20 times a day.

    She hits her head on the corners of tables, she hits her head on the edge of the bathtub, she hits her head standing up while underneath something, she hits her head on the floor if she falls too hard, she hits her head if she is leaning too far on the stairs and topples over, she hits her head when she throws it back into my face.

    No wonder humanity does such stupid stuff like throwing trash into the ocean and remaking every good movie from the 80’s… we all hit our heads too many times as babies! Duh!

    (Please notice the busted lip from The Munch not only bumping her head, but then falling on her face)

  • Stupid Priorities

    How well do you treat yourself? If your underwear is dirty do you change it immediately, or figure it can wait until tomorrow morning’s shower. Do you make sure everyone washes their hands before they shake yours, or hold you? Do you eat the moment you feel hungry, or feel like if starvation is a good enough diet for Hollywood, it is good enough for you?

    I used to take really good care of myself. I would get massages and acupuncture, sleep 8 hours a night, see energy workers be really intentional about the food I ate. You could call me picky… healthy…anorexic… but now I don’t give a care what I put in my mouth because I am so busy worrying about what to feed The Munch. The more I care about her, the less room I have in my brain to care about me. I over-prioritize her while I under-prioritize myself. I stress about if she is going to like what I am making her, if she is served enough vegetables, what her protein to carb ratio is, all while I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich over the sink.

    So I got this idea in my head to make The Munch quinoa cakes. Simple enough right? Just follow a stupid recipe…

    Why quinoa you may ask? Well, because the box said it was this super ancient grain the Aztecs ate while reading minds and predicting the future.

    So I literally spent 4 hours chopping and grating vegetables, making the stupid quinoa, going out to the chickens and plucking eggs from under their butts, all to make these pancakes. But of course by the time everything was made, the pancakes didn’t stick together for shit. I would have had an easier time constructing a pancake out of a limp penis then this stupid batter I just slaved away making.

    So at this point I am furious. Furious at the world. Furious at the guy who posted this stupid recipe. Furious at the Aztecs for being so prolific.

    I decided that what was needed was flour, which actually worked, and I made the stupid patties.

    “You better like these goddamn quinoa pancakes Munch so help me God….”

    Of course she didn’t… so I gave her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead.

    September 22, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Eating, Health • Views: 38

  • Adventures In Babysitting

    I guess you could consider me a professional babysitter because I babysit my baby everyday…. But I wouldn’t exactly pay me to watch yours.

    The other day my friend Grace asked if I could watch her son Calvin. When she brought him over he was sleeping, so already I was doing a great job. But of course The Munch decided at that moment to start practicing her opera arias, so I had to take her outside so she didn’t wake him.

    Now my watching Calvin has transformed into me peeking in on Calvin like a Peeping Tom to see if he had woken up yet.

    I then remind myself of a time I asked my mom to babysit, and when I came to get her my mother was sleeping as The Munch played with her blocks on the floor, so I know that I am doing at least a better job than that.

    But then I got a phone call… and I wanted to talk on the phone…

    I answered and started chatting, but then Calvin woke up. I ran to him, and he just kind of looked at me and stretched. I did the complex task of taking him out of his car seat and putting him on the floor, and he started crawling around to play with The Munch.

    Sure, I could have gotten off the phone…

    Or I could have stayed on the phone and peered out the window like a reverse Peeping Tom to see when Grace was coming. When I saw her I quickly get off the phone so she would never know I spent the whole time watching her son lurking out the window and discussing potential Facebook status updates.

    Yup… pretty proud of that moment in Toni history….

    September 21, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Parenting • Views: 103

  • Maybe You Don’t Know What You Are Doing

    I operate under the fundamental belief that The Munch wants to stay alive and her human instinct will protect her from doing dumb things. I don’t know why I keep convincing myself of this considering I have seen some pretty idiotic actions from eating a penny to touching the tire of my car and then licking her hand. But still my natural inclination is still to trust her.

    The other day I took her to the beach to play around and watch the sunset. Seems pretty harmless right? But this is where things get complicated.

    So all summer The Munch hated the lake and acted really scared of it. Okay fine, maybe she was actually scared, or maybe she just wanted to steal my thunder and be the center of attention. Every time I would go underwater she would cry like I was diving into the 5th dimension. It kind of broke my heart because I LOVE swimming and had all these fantasies of us swimming together wearing bathing caps and drinking champagne, but she was just never into it. She is such a square!

    Needless to say, this fateful evening I didn’t anticipate her going right to the water and walking in with all her clothes on.

    I am not going to lie… I live in a high elevation and it is cooler here, but it was still a sunny evening and I figured she knew what she was doing. Plus, I was so happy that she was curious and interested in the water that I just let it happen.

    As she got further and further into the water, I thought maybe I should take her clothes off because after all she was wearing a cashmere sweater. I mean is there anything cuter than a naked baby on the beach? Okay, fine, maybe a sea lion kissing a kitten in front of a naked baby on the beach is, but it was still pretty cute.

    Just as the sun set I bundled her in my sweater and cranked the heat in the car, but you know what is weird about this story…today she has the sniffles. I wonder how that happened?

    But at least I got some pretty sweet pictures right?

    September 20, 2011 • 1 year old, Adventures, Baby Body, Health • Views: 33