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May, 2011

  • Are Boobs Inherently Sexual?

    I had an epiphany the other day thinking about boobs. What I mean by epiphany is a decent thought worth sharing, and what I mean by boobs are those fun bags that hang off of ladies. It all started when I read an article my friend sent about breastfeeding in Mongolia. The author discusses how culturally acceptable and even encouraged public breastfeeding is, and I was totally at peace reading it until this part “My friend Buana, now 20, explained her gold-medal breastfeeding career to me: “I grew up in a yurt way out in the countryside. My mom always told me to drink up, that it was good for me. I thought that’s what every nine-year-old was doing. When I went to school, I stopped.” She looked at me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “But I still like to drink it sometimes.”

    Hmmmmmmmmmm… okay….

    This made me realize that for the Western mind, we see boobs as mostly sexual body parts. So when a young baby breastfeeds for the purpose of sustenance, health, and fitting in at mommy groups, it is okay. But as the baby gets older, it is hard not to feel there is a sexual component involved because we are a society obsessed with the sexuality of breasts.

    Now I am not an anthropologist or anything, but I am pretty sure that Mongolians living in yurts are not getting breast implants to enhance their sex appeal. Maybe for them boobies are not sexualized as much as they are functionalized. Perhaps it doesn’t even occur to them to question the sexuality factor because in Mongolia breastfeeding is not an intimate act, but a public one.

    Case and point…“If a woman’s breasts are engorged and her baby is not at hand, she will simply go around and ask a family member, of any age or sex, if they’d like a drink. Often a woman will express a bowlful for her husband as a treat, or leave some in the fridge for anyone to help themselves.”

    Now there is a visual to keep you entertained…

    I guess all of this would be hard to understand if I wasn’t experiencing the act of breastfeeding now. For me, my boobs are not only asexual, they are outright prude. I think they have both converted into Muslim fundamentalists, because they like to stay covered up too. And in no way, have I ever wondered if The Munch “likes me like that.”

    May 18, 2011 • 9-12 months, Breast Feeding, Mommy Body, Musings, Political Banter • Views: 3817

  • Wearing Pajamas To The Grocery Store Means You Are Fabulous

    Unless you are Hugh Heffner, you probably change clothes twice a day right? You have your daytime clothes, and your pajamas. This practice provokes my pondering considering pajamas are more comfortable, but as the pressures of social convention dictate, it is not appropriate to spend your life in sweatpants. That is unless you never want to have sex again, then by all means go ahead.

    I have adapted to this culture norm, reserving my torn up Greatful Dead T-shirt purely for nighttime, but that is because I only go to bed once a day. I don’t have to change four times a day to accommodate my nappy nap nap times.

    But a baby takes naps during the day… two of them… sometimes more. So is it really necessary to always put your baby in gap jeans when they are just going to go back to bed soon? Why is it so wrong to leave your baby in what they slept in the night before? It is not like they are going on any job interviews.

    You may detect a hint of defensiveness is my words, and that is because of my not being able to tell off a 5-year old in front of her mother and harboring a lot of pent up resentment. Sure, it was four in the afternoon and The Munch was wearing pajamas at the grocery store. Fine, the little girl was correct when she so astutely mentioned “that baby is still wearing pajama’s mommy.” And maybe I wouldn’t be writing with the same sense of fury if I had the perfect comeback. But I didn’t. Not because I was afraid of what the mom would think if I made a snarky remark to her daughter, but more because I was afraid of what that little girl would say about my outfit.

    May 17, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 2481

  • Shy Baby

    I am irrationally critical of shy people. I don’t know why… my higher self knows that being judgmental of introverts is like beating baby seals. They are probably shy because they are concerned with being liked, and then I go ahead and not like someone for being shy. What is wrong with me? Did I tell you I happen to have a shy baby? That is karma for you.

    You know how when you meet a mom and her child, and the kid hides behind their mom’s legs, or makes that shy face and boroughs into the her arms? Back in the day I used to blame the mom for not forcing her kid to get out into the world and entertain me, but now I get it. For one, you can’t make someone be something they are not, and for two, it is way cuter when you are the one they are snuggling up to.

    The funny thing about The Munch, is that she can be so shy that she turns bashful if I have someone on speaker phone. She gets this cute little flirty “I am shy” look, and then hides her head in my arm pit which she immediately regrets. It takes her a minute to warm up to people and feel comfortable around them.

    My cousin once told me that there is something special about getting shy or even mean people to like you. It is not like when someone who likes everyone also happens to like you… this person is selective about whom they open up to. So when you actually get them to be your friend, it feels like an accomplishment. Like you are some how more unique and worthy then the rest of the world.

    Thanks to The Munch, I am much more empathetic to so many people that I would have previously just written off. If there is one thing your baby will teach you, it is what a jerk you are.

    May 16, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Brain, Mommy Mind • Views: 2892

  • Bugs Annoy Me (People Who Complain About Bugs Annoy Me)

    When people complain about weather, or gripe about the miner inconveniences of being outside it really bothers me. I mean who are we to criticize nature? It is not like you hear fleas bitching about dog breath. We should be happy the earth hasn’t bathed us away with toxic chemicals so it could go back to sleeping in the bed with its master. With that being said, I am going to whine about nature because bugs really annoy me.

    Bugs! Stop-a… Leave me alone-a…

    This is where life gets really unfair. Like having to wait for a video to buffer. You have to deal with a gagillion months of winter, and then as soon as it starts to get nice out, all the bugs come out. Now it would be fine if it were just butterflies, they have those nice wings and give out kisses, but the black flies have got to go.

    If you don’t live in an area that has black flies let me explain them to you. They are black and they fly. I believe they hatched from the bowel movements of Satan, and they buzz around your face and often land in your eyeball becoming stuck in the moisture of your eye juice. You can feel them bite you with their wicked bug teeth that they never brush, and I guarantee you will itch that spot until it bleeds.

    Bugs are attracted to clean people because they like the floral scent of shampoos, which is why I stopped using soap of all forms relying on my natural scent to camouflage myself with the farm animals. I also spend an ample amount of time swatting, swiping, swinging, and flailing my arms to try and get them away from me. I end up looking like I am part of an avant garde modern dance on pedestrian and extreme movement analysis… boy am I sophisticated.

    The Munch on the other hand isn’t annoyed by bugs at all. She just looks at them. I guess for her it is like a Led Zeppelin laser lights show. They just fly around her face tripping her out. Maybe because she is so one with the universe they never bite her. Or maybe she is communicating with them telepathically, letting them know I am the one to go after to get me back for when she rolled off the couch. Point is she seems to have befriended the black flies, except for the one who flew in her mouth. Maybe she insulted that one, or went after her boyfriend. You know how flies get….

    “I am going to hug each and everyone of you sweet things….”

    May 13, 2011 • 9-12 months, Environmental Impact, Musings • Views: 1153

  • Breastfeeding in Public

    Although I am an advocate for breastfeeding in public, I get totally weirded out when people do it in front of me. Even though I do it to my friends all the time, I feel funny when I am the one witnessing it. I will tell you why… because I am looking at your boobs. Even though I am pretending not to, I am. I can’t help it. They are just there, staring at me like a Cyclops, and I am going to look.

    Now of course I think breastfeeding is natural and beautiful and blah blah blah, but it is still your boob. I don’t see boobs everyday, except for the ones attached to me, and I am bored of those.

    When the baby is really young it is easier, because they baby serves as sort of a stripper pasty, minus the sparkling dangling stuff. Point is, the baby means business, and is not letting go of your nipple or turning away even for the wonders of Cirque du Soleil. I will say however, that it can be awkward when someone looks at the baby attached to you and mentions how beautiful they are, because what are they really looking at? The top nip is still exposed you know.

    As the baby gets older, and more aware of the world, they get distracted. I could be feeding The Munch while someone shuts the door in the other room, and she will turn her head stretching my nip like taffy to check out the noise. Or lets say you and I are in a conversation and you laugh… The Munch will abandon her meal leaving me exposed to the world, just to participate in the fun. This can lead to an uncomfortable moment, because if you are anything like me, you are staring at my boob. The funny thing is, you are the one who feels like the pervert, even though I don’t feel like a flasher. What are you doing looking at my boob anyway? I am just doing what is a natural beautiful thing right?

    So my solution to the breastfeeding in public dilemma? A black bar. A black bar like they have in photos when there is a nip slip. Manufacture a black bar to magically matriculate once the nip feels the cool bite of air. That way no one ever has to feel weird!

    “Phew, now I can continue talking about my horoscope and not feel awkward…”

    May 12, 2011 • 9-12 months, Breast Feeding, Mommy Body, Mommy Mind, Political Banter • Views: 3659

  • “We Are Trying ;)”

    The other day I am at a dinner party talking to a newly married couple and a few members of their family. I guess because I was holding a baby, the topic of when this couple was going to start having children came up. Under normal circumstances, it is not common to hear about the sex lives of other humans in a public setting. Sure, you can picture it all you want, but on average, people keep that stuff private. That is unless you are talking about making babies.

    “Oh we are trying…” The wife gave her husband a coy smile, and suddenly I dry heaved with dread remembering that I had just shook this guys hand and was currently licking shrimp sauce off my fingers.

    The whole family smiled, even the grandmother, and all I could think about is how they just told us they were screwing a lot.

    Setting the mood….

    Ohhhhhh yeahhhhhh…

    May 11, 2011 • 9-12 months, Being Preggo, Musings • Views: 1175

  • Dreams Are F’d Up!

    What makes a dream different than a memory? Okay fine smarty pants, a memory you actually experienced… but what about right now? Both dreams and memories are just images in your head. Ethereal happenings behind your eyelids dancing through the waves of your efforts to recall. What makes one any more real then the other when the only way to connect to them is through thought?

    Have you ever been dreaming and in your dream you have one of those moments where you say to your self “man, this is really weird.” It is like your conscious self has a moment to observe the dream, or replace your dreaming self long enough to recognize that breastfeeding a T-rex is just too bizarre to be real. But then you go back into the dream world and morph into your 3rd grade gym teacher and start tap dancing on a spider web.

    I am starting to really fear the person that dreams the crazy f’d up dreams that I dream. Maybe because I wake up so many times throughout the night, and remember my dreams like never before, but let me tell you, whoever dreams up that stuff in my head is one deranged person. I am not going to go into the intricacies of my dreams, because hearing someone else’s dreams is almost as boring as listening to their problems. But let me just say, sometimes I wake up and have to bath in holy water to wash away the lingering visions of what happened while I was sleeping.

    May 10, 2011 • 9-12 months, Mommy Mind, Musings, Sleeping • Views: 977

  • A Baby Can Hurt You!

    Before having a baby I never thought I would have to invest in hockey equipment to protect myself. If you had given me a fully padded suit for a baby shower gift, I would have thought you were nuts, and then wondered if looked like a super hero while wearing it in front of the mirror and flexing. When you think of a baby you probably think of something soft, cuddly, and warm right? Well, you thought wrong… except for the warm part.

    Even thought a baby is small and under 25 pounds, their little fists of fury can really hurt you. The other day, The Munch grabbed the skin under my chin and would not let go regardless of my pleas for mercy. As her fingernails pierced deeper into my sensitive flesh I started laughing at the horror of the moment, which only made her giggle with glee and hold on tighter.

    Sometimes she will grab my face and gnaw on my chin like a careless vampire with her little sharp teeth penetrating my pores with every chomp. Or you know that fun little game “I got your nose” where you pretend to take someone’s nose. I played that with The Munch the other day, and gently grabbed her nose, giving her the brilliant idea to try and pull my nose off my face. Now, I think we are having a nice moment, and Eskimo kiss her little face rubbing my nose against hers, and out of nowhere her ninja hands lock onto my nose like a Pit Bull jaw.

    All this would be fine if they let you fight back, but I wouldn’t even go there because you know that it wouldn’t be a fair. The baby would kick your ass every time.

    “I think I am going to just eat your face off…”

    “What are you looking at? You want a piece of me? Well you’re next!’

    May 9, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Body, Baby Brain, Mommy Body, Parenting • Views: 1920

  • Mother’s Day: Being a Mom Makes Me Care About Today

    Mother’s Day. A day I never cared about until now that it personally affects me, and I am the one being celebrated. Honored in fact. Like a Nobel prize winner. And just think, all I had to do is get laid. Silly scientists and peace promoters working so hard.

    I would say being a mother has changed me in two profound ways.

    1) The unconditional, all encompassing, eternal love you feel for your child.

    There is a purity that you experience when you fall in love with your baby. You have no expectations of them (yet), and their vulnerability ignites a side of caring and nurturing you never knew you were capable of. Looking into her eyes I see the fabric of the universe, the space between that holds all matter together, the powerful unbreakable bond of love. To quote my grandmother who wrote to wish me a happy first mother’s day “those who are fortunate enough to take advantage of this opportunity reach the highest reward be it heaven on earth.”

    2) Being a mom is the best ego-booster of your life!

    Who else cries when you leave, smiles every time they see you, and laughs at all your jokes? She has to love me and think I am the best person ever on planet earth because I keep her alive! Silly babies… I am so much smarter than you.

    May 8, 2011 • 9-12 months, Mommy Mind, Musings, Parenting • Views: 924