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May, 2011

  • Why Does Eco Stuff Have To Suck Sometimes?

    I am that person that is going to buy the eco version of everything and anything. Sure it is usually twice as expensive and packaged in brown paper with muted green branding and self-righteous stories, but I will buy it anyway. I am that person.

    Okay… but you know what? Some of that eco shit sucks.

    I know it is better for the environment and blah blah blah, and I care about the future of the world for my baby and yadda yadda yadda, but still. The sunscreen for example never blends in and makes you look like Casper. The tin foil doesn’t clamp onto anything and just hangs off your dishes like a limp penis. Don’t even get me started on my super expensive phone ear-piece made out of bamboo and happy BPA free plastic that only works if I am in a handstand and holding my Blackberry at a 127 degree angle.

    I am totally willing to accept that what makes mass produced products seem superior is probably because of the chemicals, toxins, and fairy blood they use to manufacture it. I know that Deet bug spray works so well because it is actually Agent Orange. I don’t regret the fact that my sponge made of sea foam doesn’t exactly absorb anything, and more just spreads the moisture around. Or that my fair trade water free laundry detergent made from peasants in small village in San Francisco doesn’t actually get any stains out… so The Munch and I are trying to make puke and poo splotches fashionable.

    Okay… so this is an eco spoon… spoons usually go in hot things right? So why is it melting??

    So because I endure all suck of eco stuff I think it is only fair that I sometimes run a fan outside to keep the bugs off of The Munch ;o)

    May 31, 2011 • 9-12 months, Environmental Impact, Political Banter • Views: 1037

  • Memorial Day!!

    Memorial Day! A day to commemorate US soldiers! And then quite ironically…. party like its 1999. I totally see how those two things go together!!

    Things got super out of hand with The Munch! She is a true American Patriot!

    Talking Smack!

    Late Night!

    May 30, 2011 • 1st time for everything, 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 1112

  • Too Good Looking and Not Good Looking Enough

    Do you ever find yourself watching a movie and think “This makes no sense… Johnny Depp is too good looking to be a professor, or a pirate. He would be a prince, or a movie actor with a face like that!” Or “Angelina Jolie would never be committed into a mental hospital. She would be a model doing copious amounts of cocaine at jazz clubs wearing sparkly shoes! I don’t believe this for a second…”

    If people are too attractive for their characters, I have a hard time losing myself in the story. I just don’t buy it, and keep questioning why someone so hot would ever become a secret spy. It just doesn’t make any sense… you could get shot and killed, or even worse, a scar!

    However, when I watch movies or TV that feature less attractive people to make the content more believable like The Office, or indie movies I say I have seen but really never bother… I keep getting distracted by their frizzy hair, droopy eyes, or big noses and wonder why nobody made them more pleasing to the eye.

    May 27, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings • Views: 4090

  • Projectile Vomit And Anal Angst About Colons

    I know what you were thinking… “Man… I haven’t heard a good vomit story in a while.” Well look no further!

    First, a little background. So far, I have been pretty anal about what I feed the Munch. You see, a few years ago I did something called the “Master Cleanse” where you don’t eat for 10 days and drink solely water with lemon, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Why would any one do such a thing? To cleanse your colon that is why. Like it or not, you have a lot of years of impacted shit in there.

    Okay… wait… vomit and shit? Now this is what I call a story!

    After 10 days of not eating you are supposed to break your fast with oranges. So of course I ate 10 of them. That night, I shat out oranges. There they were, sitting in the toilette just the same as when I ate them. I even debated picking some out and eating them again because the store was closed and I didn’t have anymore.

    You see, The Munch’s colon is as clean as it is ever going to be. She eats carrots, she poos carrots. There is a beauty in that you may not see if you are too busy retching, but trust me, it’s there. So the only things I have fed her are pure veggies that I steam and crush myself. Soon I will be churning butter for her and wearing a bonnet, but I haven’t gone there yet because I have yet to introduce dairy.

    However, my friend had these little kid organic puffs that her son was enjoying so much. He was having the best time gnawing away at those things so I decided to give The Munch one… which led to two… which led to 8. Maybe I should have been more cautious considering she had never ate anything like that before, but I know I can’t stop after just one delicious puff.

    A few hours later I am at a birthday party and The Munch starts to act weird. Now, I live in the woods mind you, so the party I am at is really a few people standing around salsa in a cabin talking about the weather and the intensity of bug season. The Munch was hugging me, which she never does, so I sat down with her facing me in a straddle thinking we would have a nice little bonding moment. And then it happened. She looked at me, and projectile vomited in my face. Not a sweet little spit up mind you, but a full on, bursting throw-up. She continued to heave her body convulsing as she barfed down my shirt, created a puddle in the crotch of my pants, splattered some onto the floor, and then of course made sure there was still enough puke to cover her cute outfit. As a wiped puke out of my mouth all I could say was…

    “Now that is what I call a party!!!!!”

    Because I am not a sociopath, I had to care for my sick child and not ask anyone to take a picture of the cataclysmic even though you know I wanted to!! So I created a nice reenactment for your enjoyment 🙂

    May 26, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures, Baby Body • Views: 3423

  • Noises That Make Your Teeth Itch

    Everyone has sensitivity to a noise that is so disturbing, so irritating, that it makes your teeth itch. Of course there are the classics like nails on a chalkboard, or grating metal, which even writing about induced goose-bumps the size of blueberries, provoking me to smack my head as if there were bats tangled in my hair. Then there are particular sounds unique to the individual that make you shiver worse than an after pee tremor. I know you got one…

    Just thinking about certain noises makes me so agitated I could commit myself, let alone the torture of having to experience it. Now this is where my current conundrum lies. With an adult, I can tell them that if they don’t stop making that grinding sound with their teeth I am going to decapitate them… but with a baby, they don’t quite get the imagery.

    Yeah… so The Munch now has 5 teeth which for whatever reason, she likes to grind together…. It is the worst noise in the universe.

    Excuse me… I have to go tear my hair out at its roots and kick the air just thinking about that soul sucking sound.

    I don’t know how to tell her to stop because if I yell she cries and gets scared, making me feel like a jerk. If I try to explain to her how the sound of her teeth grinding together makes me want to turn my skin inside out and suck on the bones of my skeleton, she spaces out. If I make a fun noise to distract her she thinks it’s a game and does it some more.

    So here is the question… what is more powerful my love for her, or my ability to withstand that noise? I guess I better invest in some earplugs. Sigh…

    “What? You mean this noise??”

    May 25, 2011 • 9-12 months, Baby Body, Mommy Mind • Views: 1645

  • The only thing that never changes is how everything always changes

    Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it is pretty awesome. The funny thing about all this is how none of it will last. Almost as funny as when I used your toothbrush to clean my ears… oh wait… I forget to tell you about that? Forget that last part. No matter what is going on in the moment, it will be gone, lost in time like dinosaurs and child stars. The only thing in life that you can really count on is how there is nothing in life that you can actually count on.

    The other night, The Munch woke up at 3:30 and talked to herself until 5:45. Just when I thought I was going to rip my ears off my face and stuff them down her throat she curled up behind me, spooned my back, and slept until 9.

    It made me think of how fruitless negative emotions are… they are obviously more vegetable. Why bother getting annoyed when whatever is aggravating you is only temporary anyway? Lets say you are stuck on the runway and your plane won’t take off. Yeah, it sucks that you are developing restless leg syndrome, sure the captain keeps lying to you about when you are going to leave, okay fine your mouth is so dry you are debating licking the window for moisture because they won’t give you any drinks or let you stand up to get one, but you are not going to be on that plane for the rest of your life. And really, the only one that is suffering by your annoyance is you. And whoever is sitting next to you listening to your complaints, but who cares about them?

    Point is, the best thing you can do for yourself, who as the only person that really matters anyway, is accept whatever is happening at all times. If there is nothing you can actively do to change what is going on, just remember that it isn’t going to last anyway. Or go ahead and bitch about it, because you know how annoying those people are who accept life for all it is and preach to you to do the same.

    Don’t worry Munch… it is not going to rain for all of eternity, it just feels that way

    May 24, 2011 • 9-12 months, Musings • Views: 3329

  • What Is Love?

    What is love? We all feel it, but can you articulate it? Is the way I love the same as they way you love? Are we even feeling the same thing? I used to think that love was loving how someone made you feel. I love you because I like myself around you, and I love how you make me feel about me. It was hard for me to divorce love from the self, because from my understanding love always came back to the individual experience of it.

    But maybe that was because I was trying to lump love into one basic understanding. We as a western culture can love cupcakes, iphones, and our parents. But is using the same word for such a variety of actual emotions accurate? Well… cupcakes and iphones are pretty awesome, sorry mom and dad… but you get what I am saying.

    The Ancient Greeks had four different words for love, and in Sanskrit there were 96. Obviously those ancients had a lot of loving going on, and were much more attuned to the nuances. I like the idea that love has many different gradations, flavors, and intensities, with each type of love inspiring a unique word to describe it. The more flexible our definition of love, the more capable we become of understanding the difference between self-involved love, and the ultimate unconditional love. Both are forms of love, but only one will make you absolutely and consistently happy.

    During a yoga class it was said that from the Buddhist perspective, love is wanting another person to truly be happy. I found this to incredibly relevant and poetic. That desire for another person’s ultimate joy, is the kind of love I want to engage in most. It is not about what that person does for you, how they make you feel, or if they buy you stuff. It is about loving someone so much, that no matter what, all you really want from them is to be happy. That is how I feel about The Munch…

    May 23, 2011 • 9-12 months, Mommy Mind, Musings, Parenting • Views: 1239

  • The Apocalypse Is Screwing With My Weekend Plans!

    The upcoming Armageddon is seriously messing with my Saturday. I mean The Munch and I are supposed to go to an art fair, and the world coming to an end will totally ruin everything!

    You know what I don’t understand… why does the second coming of Jesus have to mean death and destruction? If Jesus were really coming back to earth he would be 33, which is 21 in guy years. What if Jesus wanted to hang out in skinny jeans and get an Ipad? He is a good-looking guy… maybe he wants to go to bars, get laid, and not text the girl back for 6 days. I mean it I has been 2000 years and he probably wants to play the field. God…. Stop pressuring Jesus to be in a long-term commitment!

    I am just saying…

    May 20, 2011 • Birth • Views: 1969

  • Rain Rain Go Away….

    If you live on the east coast and have skin, you and I not only have a LOT in common, but you are also probably aware that it has been raining for quite a few days. It is one of those weeks where you look at the 10-day forecast and it’s a bunch of depressed clouds crying. Get it together clouds! No one is going to help you but you!

    Because it is raining all the time, I have been stuck inside with The Munch and pretty much losing my mind. When you hang out all day with a baby, taking them outside is a fun activity to divide the day from night. They look at the grass, you talk on the phone, they eat rocks, you find them later along with sweet potatoes and corn in their diaper. But when you take outside time away, that means you have to think of other things to do to entertain them, like let them play with your sneakers which they inevitably will put in their mouths.

    (I would stop this considering I walk with those on my feet, but you are having so much fun!)

    So yesterday afternoon, although it was as foggy as the mind of a teenager, it had stopped raining for five minutes so I decided to take The Munch for a walk. Considering it was wet out, and 50 degrees, I thought I could just stuff her in a snow suit, then shove her into the stroller that has this little sleeping bag in it. Sounds good right?

    As were walking, she drifted off into the never never land of sleep, and it started to drizzle. I saw drops collect on her face like dew on flower petals, but it didn’t wake her, so I just kept going. It is not like she is made of sugar or anything, and I know because I have licked her. A van drove by us, then turned around and drove back where a kind stranger yelled in a shrill voice loud enough to not only wake The Munch but also Rip Van Winkle.

    “Do you guys want a ride? I noticed it was beginning to rain and I figured you probably don’t want your baby getting wet.”

    Okay… now this is not only a logical offer, but also a very generous gesture… but you see I was looking at this scene in a totally different light. From my perspective my baby was peacefully asleep and we were getting some fresh, albeit moist air.

    “Oh… no thank you. We are fine. She is wearing a snow suite.”

    She gave me this look that I often inspire. A look that says “What is wrong with you?”

    “Well… I have children too and I would hate to be caught in the rain with them so I thought I would offer.”

    “Thank you… really… but she is wearing a snow suit.”

    This made sense to me even though I know the lady in her warm van thought I was a nutcase. I mean snow suites are warm… and she was in a sleeping bag remember? The Munch went back to sleep, we kept walking in the drizzle, and I made fun of the lady to my friend I was on the phone with.

    “I mean… I know she was being nice and all… but I don’t want my kid to be a pussy. It is just a little drizzle and she is wearing a snow suite!” Do you see a theme going with me and this snow suite?

    Fast-forward about 10 minutes and it is no longer drizzling, it is outright raining and I had 2-miles left to walk to get home. Maybe I should have taken that ride after all and not made fun of kind people who are way more responsible than me. Whoops.

    May 19, 2011 • 9-12 months, Adventures • Views: 1254