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February, 2011

  • Mona and The Munch

    Before The Munch, my dog Mona was my baby. She was my little boodgies. Now Mona has to deal with me forgetting her outside while I go nap the baby, getting irrationally annoyed if wakes up the baby, and never allowing her to eat the baby’s poopie diapers.

    Where at first, The Munch did not acknowledge Mona, now I would say she is pretty much obsessed with her. Mona must seem like a 2.0 version of her stuffed animals. She is always watching her, laughing at her, and breathing heavy when Mona does something exciting like scratch her ear.

    The problem with this relationship, is that The Munch isn’t exactly gentle, or even coordinated for that matter. I watch her try and pet Mona, and she usually just ends up grabbing a fist full of skin and fur. So far, Mona has yet to retaliate, but she does give me a look like “WTF! Can you control this thing?”

    But it is sooooo cute, and I can’t help but putting Munchee next to Mona and watching them interact! I thought my pleasure outweighed Mona’s discomfort until recently my friends…

    So picture this. I have The Munch lying on a blanket as I am doing yoga. She is in a nice sunny spot, so Mona comes and lies next to The Munch. I am thinking to myself “Awwwwww adorable. This is a precious moment.” And it was… until… until. You see The Munch was petting Mona’s butt in her awkward Munchee way… and then it happened. I guess I can’t blame The Munch. It is like a little puckered bulls eye mocking you for attention. Point is… The Munch took her little pointer Munchee finger, and… and… and… stuck it right in Mona’s asshole. Sigh.

    February 28, 2011 • 5-8 months, Baby Brain • Views: 1081

  • Beauty and the Baby

    When I was preggers I had promised myself that if I did not have a cute baby, I would admit it. But you know what? All babies are cute to their parents because that is how they stay alive. If you didn’t think your baby was cute, you would probably wouldn’t tolerate them peeing on you, biting your nipple, or screaming in your face while looking you in the eye.

    So okay, I think The Munch is pretty adorable, but it makes me think of how we as a society regard beauty and how it effects self-esteem. Especially as a girl, we tend to equate attractiveness with feelings of self worth, which is totally nuts because lots of good-looking people are super boring.

    Even though I don’t want The Munch to obsess over the way she looks, I don’t want her to be a total slob either, because that extreme can also effect your spirit in a negative way. If you have crust all over your face, and are wearing the same dirty mismatched clothes for over a week, I am willing to bet it is not because you are in a good mental place and are probably watching CSI Kentucky by yourself on Friday Nights.

    What if we regarded our looks not just by what people saw on the outside, but how our behavior made us feel inside our bodies? What if we wanted to look young because we would feel healthy? If we wanted to look fit because if felt good to move our bodies? What if we wanted to look clean because then we didn’t attract lice? What if looking good was more about feeling good? Maybe I can encourage The Munch to focus on how she feels more than what she sees, and she will look good because she feels healthy and happy?

    I want to change my underwear, because I like the way that feels… I want to brush my teeth, because I don’t like the way fuzz tastes in my mouth. I want to wash my hair because it hangs in my face and I don’t like the way that smells. This type of thinking.

    (Not to totally contradict everything I just said… but doesn’t The Munch totally look like a Jolie-Pitt here?? ;o)

    February 26, 2011 • 5-8 months, Musings • Views: 1137

  • Is She Being an Asshole on Purpose?

    Imagine this scenario. You want to do something important… say eat a sammich, or Facebook stalk, and someone keeps trying to get your attention. So in order to distract this certain someone, you give them a toy of sorts so you can continue you imperative investigation. Then this person looks at the toy, holds if for a minute as they examine it, and then drops in on the ground. Then this person grunts because they want the toy that is on the ground but they can’t reach it.

    Now if this person is rational, you could say “Hey, I am going to give this back to you one time, but if you want to play with it… don’t drop it.” Chances are, that person will understand not only the consequence of dropping something beyond their reach, but also that there is a limit to how many times you will be of assistance to return said object.

    I however, am not dealing with a rational being. My efforts to explain cause and effect to her have proved to be totally futile. Not only does she not speak English, but she seems to find it funny that I have to bend over to pick something up to give back to her, that she can just throw back on the floor for me to bend down and pick up again.

    I know she is not the only baby to do this. I used to see other babies do this in my pre-baby days, and I would think to myself “Why does that mother give the toy back. If the toy is dropped, tough luck. That baby needs to understand consequences.” Yeah okay… now I get it. The way a baby “understands consequences” is to get really pissed. And they way to get them not to be pissed is give them what they want.

    My mom calls this “experimenting with gravity.” I call it being an asshole.

    (Here is The Munch deciding that even though she wants the doll, she is going to throw it on the ground)

    (Here is the expected outcome of what happens when you throw something)

    (Here is me, doing whatever, to keep her smiling. I am such a sucker!)

    February 25, 2011 • 5-8 months, Baby Body, Baby Brain, Parenting • Views: 7568

  • Playing With Your Food

    Playing with your food at the dinner table is rarely acceptable behavior. Playing with your food when your food comes out of my nipple is definitely not okay.

    Munch… let’s be straight… it is a “no no” to play with your food right now. Not going to go deeper than that…. Just going to say, “ummmmm… yeah….. no.”

    February 24, 2011 • 5-8 months, Breast Feeding • Views: 1394

  • All I Wanna do is Talk About My Baby

    Have you ever been around someone who won’t shut up about their damn baby. Isn’t it super annoying?

    Rationally… I know this. No one wants to hear about your baby’s bowel movements. They don’t really care if they napped for 2 hours. It doesn’t matter to anyone else but you how cute it is when they yawn and stretch.

    But now I totally understand. All I want to do is talk about my baby. I have become that person.

    I think it is all about how you spend your day, and what you expose yourself to. Right now, my baby is my day. It is where all my energy and attention is going. It is basically all I think about because she has become my entire universe.

    Despite my ability to empathize and rationalize with why someone would want to talk about their kid relentlessly… you just can’t. You cannot subject people to your impersonation of the cutest face your baby made. It isn’t that cute when you do it.

    So what the hell can you talk about when all you think about is your baby?

    You don’t. You become the best listener that ever was to listen.

    Instead of talking about my baby and driving my friends nuts, I just ask them about their life, and think about my baby while they are talking.

    February 23, 2011 • 5-8 months, Mommy Mind, Musings • Views: 1388

  • Plastic vs Nature

    I will fully admit that I am kinda queer when it comes to what I expose the Munch to. I am not trying to be one of those mom’s that hands out raisins on Halloween… but the likely hood that she will be trying to trade her raw almonds for potato chips in a few years is pretty high. My anal retentive desire for her to be a woodland creature of the forest does not end with food. I want her to be a nymph of nature. Entertained by moss and butterflies. I want her to contemplate what bark is made of, while twirling together a daisy crown.

    So needless to say, she doesn’t have a lot of toys beyond a wooden spoon and a few stuffed animals.

    One day, I went to visit my cousin and a friend for a mommy play date. Oh. Right. We brought the babies too… Once at my cousin’s house, she had this baby fun house contraption that put my hanging dental floss in front of her face to shame.

    Imagine a mat that Bozo the Clown had diarrhead over, cascading it with color and texture. Then, there were these styrofoam poles which extended across the mat, flowered with different hanging toys that would make an apple sigh from feelings of inadequacy. The crescendo of this organized chaos was every time the baby would kick one of these poles, or pull one of these toys, music would play! In all my “earth mother” snobbery I had to admit that this Target toy was infused with so much potential excitement I almost shit my pants.

    So I positioned The Munch to play in this fantasy funhouse and needless to say she had the best damn time. It was like Pee Wee’s Playhouse on crack there was so much going on, and she was loving every minute of it. In all my effort to rationalize why she should be as equally entertained by the movement of clouds, her glee was undeniable.

    What do I do about this conundrum? I want her to be happy and have joy in her in life, but at the same time I want her to find stimulus in the beauty of nature. Maybe it is not an all or nothing thing? Maybe if I am too extreme, I will drive her to be a materialistic maniac! So what did I do? On my way home, I went into Target, and got her a similar toy. And then when I got home, I made her a mobile with my own hands from things I found outside… I made little shapes from twigs like a moon, a sun, and a star that I realized later could easily poke her eyes out, but looked cute. The point is that she had both toys to choose from… and you know what? After a week she was bored with both of them. Go figure.

    February 22, 2011 • 5-8 months, Baby Brain, Environmental Impact, Parenting • Views: 1335

  • Every Little Thing She Does is Magic

    Unlike baby horses that fall out of their mom’s vag to and then run over to their dad to give him a high five, baby humans take quite a long time to become mobile. They spend months on their backs unable to do anything besides check out their hands and feet.
    Although The Munch’s was born with opposable thumbs, she was pretty uncoordinated in using them up until recently. Of course, she would do the classic, wrap her dainty hand around your sausage finger provoking the “awwwww…” but beyond that, not a lot of action going on with her being able to actually use her hands.

    Until one day, as she was making metaphoric snow angels in her crib, she picked up one of her toys!

    “Holy shit! You just picked something up!”

    I was convinced she was a genius.

    “You must get this from me!”

    This momentous occasion made me think of how amazing her life is right now, and mine for being able to witness all these “firsts.” If you were to pick something up, I don’t think I would commend you (although that doesn’t mean I don’t love you), but imagine going from never picking anything up, to suddenly being able to! Isn’t that so miraculous! Think about how much her world has changed!

    Although life may not be as conventionally exciting after having a baby, these little things that she does for the “first time” is like the thrill of a first kiss. It makes me wonder if there will ever be a time when I am not in absolute awe of every magical thing she does. Will she ever have to be like…

    “Ma…ma…ma… watch this… ma… ma… watch me… watch… watch…watch… watch me… ma… ma… mommy…mom…mom….mom…mom….mom… watch… watch this… mom… mom… ma… ma… ma… watch….”

    PS… The other day I had her on the couch I was getting this ready for my friend’s baby shower. I had been cutting up paper hearts, and then put my supplies on the couch next to The Munch as I went into the kitchen. When I returned… you guessed it… she was a second away from picking up the scissors!! Oh dear! I have a LOT to learn!

    (Check out how excited she is that her hands are just blurs of pride!)

    February 21, 2011 • 5-8 months, Baby Body • Views: 3714

  • Lady Parts (Function vs Form)

    Back in the day, I used to see my “lady parts” as parts of my body that were all about the form. Like “Oh wow, tits, mmmm those are nicely shaped.” And “Ahhhh yes. Vagina. Yes, that’s a good one.” They were aesthetic parts of my body that were just there to appreciate. No big deal. I never thought about why they were there. Never thought “what are these two lumps doing on my chest?” Didn’t occur to me to question their origins beyond their being made to be squeezed.

    Now that I have had a baby, my lady parts are no longer fun accessories like a Prada purse, or an adopted child. They have a function. Like a job. It is like my vagina went from carefree summers in the Hamptons to being a coal miner in Chile. My vagina, once delicate like the wings of a fairy, and innocent like the day dreams of deer is now like a hardened 80’s rocker who recently kicked his addiction. “I’ve seen things…” is all that can really be said. And my boobs! Once gallivanting with the ease of a Venetian playboy, are now confined in shackles like a roman Gladiator waiting in the prison of the Coliseum.

    All these sexy parts are no longer sexy. They are about as sexy as the DMV.

    Now I know this isn’t going to last forever, and these feelings are just temporary reactions to the beauty of creating and sustaining a life and blah blah blah… I know that unless I breast feed her until things get very strange, soon my boobs will be mine again. And vagina, dear vagina, like a Vietnam vet your post-traumatic stress will too subside. Hopefully without the help of heroine…

    But for all you ladies out there who have yet to house a human parasite in your precious sexy body… you should go out and have lots of sexy time. Today. Right now. Play with your boobs for the shits and giggles of it. Play with them, because they are not sensitive from the over stimulus of a piranha feeding off them. Put stuff into your vagina to remind you that things are supposed to go in there… not come out.

    February 19, 2011 • 5-8 months, Mommy Body, Musings • Views: 1780

  • Competitive Mom Friends

    I don’t have a lot of “mom friends.” Most women I know haven’t had babies yet. But I want mom friends. I need mom friends. I need someone to analyze my baby’s vomit with for an obnoxiously long time. I want to hear about how someone else deals when their baby pees in the bath. Do you pretend you didn’t notice like I do?

    I was at first afraid of other mom’s because I did not want to get into a competitive mom friend situation! You know those mom’s right? Always comparing your kid with theirs… how do you deal with that?! “Oh wow… your baby does back flips? Shit…What? Oh.. no… she is not rolling over yet. Is it okay that I still love her?”

    I just am not sure how to handle people like that! And I have met a couple. One mom who thought it was a disgrace if you didn’t potty train your newborn infant… she would just make some secret noise, and her baby would shit gold pellets into her hand. Another mom who told me I probably poisoned my child because I wasn’t a vegan during my pregnancy… (but they were organic chicken nuggets?!) And how can I forget the mom who told me that I should watch out my baby’s thighs don’t get too chubby!? I don’t want to compare our kids… I want to love your kid. Okay well, at least tolerate.

    So I spent some time sending positive energy out into the universe hoping to make some good mom friends, and you know what? It’s working! I have made some AMAZING mom friends! I love having mom friends so much. You don’t have to be on time with your mom friends. You don’t have to feel weird when your baby pukes on them. You can feel completely at ease if your baby is being a total asshole, because, hey, it happens.

    And the best part. YOU CAN TALK ABOUT YOUR BABY ENDLESSLY! But only as long as you give them equal time to talk about their baby.

    (The Munch with her cousin…. his mom rocks my world!)

    (These babies and mamas are beyond rad! ~ check out how the boy is totally controlling the remote per usual!)

    (This is The Munch with her BEST friend! His mom is the most bad ass mom friend!)

    February 18, 2011 • 5-8 months, Mommy Mind • Views: 2464