1)   You need a person who you are not related to, and don’t rub your genitals against, to bitch about your family and pubic partner with.

2)   Even though it is hard to admit, you are not always right, or on a good path.  This may be difficult to hear from disapproving parents, or romantic companion you resent for leaving their socks on the living room floor because what do they know anyway they can’t even put their damn laundry away! A best friend can say, “Hey, your shit is fucked up” and you can be like “yeah you are right” and not have to sacrifice your pride.

3)   It’s really liberating to be able to freely discuss the contents of your explosive diarrhea.

4)   Someone to keep your company during those times when you feel like feeling sorry for yourself and just want to be left alone, but don’t want to be by yourself.

5)   A best friend gives you the opportunity to externalize your inner monologue without judgment (Okay fine… minimal judgment).

6)   Someone who will help you justify the totally horrible deviant things you do -like farting on your cheating ex’s toothbrush that they left at your house, which you fully intend on returning to them.

7)   They will also tell you when you have gone to far, like using said toothbrush as an anal probe.

8)    They will lie to you about how your ex’s new fling isn’t that cute even when you both know they totally are.

9)   If you are both girls, you and your bestie can rub wombs together to synch menstrual cycles – forming one mega Periodtron to wreak bloody havoc against the world!!!!

10)  Your best friend is the only person you can trust with the secret that you don’t really trust anyone.

11)  A best friend will pretend to understand what you are saying through hysterical tears when all that is actually coming out of your face is random wails, snorts, and mucus.

12)  That person who will listen to the same complaints over and over and over and over again, and treat them as new fresh problems that you will soon address – even though they know that you won’t.

13)  They are someone you can enter into another dimension with and your conversations are like an episode of Twilight Zone – transcending space, time, and logic.

14)  That person who understands that when you say “I should let you get off the phone now” they actually mean “I am going to keep talking about myself for a half an hour and I really need to act like you are listening, even though I know I am on speaker so you can go through Facebook.

15)  A best friend will keep giving you awesome advice even though they know you never take it.